A few months ago, as Then Sings My Soul was going to print, I was talking to a brother in recovery from Hempstead, NY which is where I’m from. He goes to meetings at the first group I ever walked into., the beloved Hempstead AA Group and he has 28 years of sobriety. I was starting to fall for him during a conversation we had on Mother’s Day about loosing our mothers. I felt a bonding.
The whole time I had been looking for clues if this was the guy for me. Our first hour long conversation he said the word “soul” 9 times. I was amazed! He didn’t know I was writing a book about the soul. It must be a sign that he is to be mine. We both knew the same old timers of that group and we were off to a roaring start. But after that Mother’s Day conversation, I remember calling a cousin stating I was afraid, my heart was turning towards him. She said to ask God for guidance. I didn’t even have time to do that. Ten minutes later I received a video from the brother. I hit play and saw his privates. I was appalled! This was not right! How could he do this to me? This is the betrayal that I was all too familiar with being an incest survivor.
What really upset me was for the 1st time in dealing with a man, I was not flirting, I was “getting to know him” which is something I’ve never done with anyone. I was actually proud of myself before this that all the things I had heard about becoming a friend with a man before becoming his lover was huge growth for me. It angered me that we had never had a conversation that was sexual so how could he send me this nasty video that I immediately erased and then blocked his number after calling him and cursing him out! Damm it! I thought he was a good one.
Today I thank God for closing that door quickly! I was grateful to see how far I have come in recovery from sex addiction! There would have been a time I watched that video over and over and over and eventually got off on it. Instead I was appalled! There would have been a time I excused this behavior and considered it a compliment that he thought I was desirable.
Not today! Thanks to the process of writing and editing the manuscript of Then Sings My Soul, I was faced with the truth of how I have always been when someone likes me and I like them. Grateful I am not that today! Grateful God pulled me out before I got in too deep. That’s how truly loving He is. My inner child is learning I can protect her and dry her weeping eyes while she cries over the loss. 7/28/20